Life flies by...

Since the website was down for almost a year, so many things have happened. We did conceive through fertility treatments & I was pregnant for a third time last August. (Yes, that means I was pregnant 3 times in less than one year!) With great trepidation & MANY, MANY dr.'s visits (3 a week beginning at 30 weeks to be exact) we made it through the 9 long & stressful months & gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on Thursday, April 12, 2007. Her name is Kalissa Joy....

She is 5 months old today & is such a happy, healthy, beautiful baby - she is truly a joy to us. However, as we watch her grow, it is impossible not to be reminded of all that we lost when we lost our son....and that continues to be heartwrenching.

I know that we will never "be over" the death of our baby. How can you? I am so grateful for the life of our daughter & for all that she brings to us. She is the fulfillment of so much waiting. But as time goes on, Ethan's death continues to be more & more a private pain that only my husband & I (& perhaps other parents who have buried their babies) will ever truly understand. When I think about that, I am reminded that our lives are like a tapestry, woven together over time. And I know now that Ethan's threads will be woven throughout the rest of our lives and that only we will truly understand the depths of its colors.

Celebrating Kali's 5th month & remembering her big brother today...

Happy Birthday, Ethan!

If I could send a birthday card to heaven, this is what it would say, and I hope that God reads this to our precious baby boy...

Dear sweet Ethan,

Oh how we miss you. Two years has gone by terribly fast...we were so looking forward to seeing your sweet face, kissing your cheeks, and watching you grow. I couldn't wait to hold you in my arms, instead of in my belly...what a joy to watch you grow from that little peanut into the beautiful boy you were. I hope that Jesus is giving you lots of kisses and hugs today & that the angels sing you the most beautiful birthday song. You are terribly missed. We tell your baby sister about you all the time, and we took presents for you to the other two year olds at church. We also pray every night with your sister that God will kiss and hug you for all of us. Your mommy & daddy love you more than we can say, and although you never felt my kisses, I gave you lots of them when you were born. My birthday wish is that things could have been different, but I know that you are safe and loved and that is what I wanted most for you.

Happy Birthday baby boy!

I love you so much...
XOXO
Mommy

Happy Birthday Ethan

Happy Birthday Ethan! We sure do miss you... I'm sorry we can't be with you in heaven on your birthday, but some day we will spend eternity with you. We love you , Mommy and Daddy

It's been a while...

I haven't felt much like writing, because sometimes I don't know what to say anymore. In some ways, nothing has changed since the day Ethan died, and in other ways, we are so much better and continuing to move forward with our lives. Yesterday was my birthday...and I was a little surprised at how much I missed him again. It's funny how the days you expect to be difficult, are easier to get through than what I thought. And the days that I am not prepared for - wham - suddenly the missing of him is so overwhelming. This time last year, I was celebrating turning 30 and just 5 short weeks away from Ethan's birth. It all came back to me - what I was doing this time last year, how BIG I was!, how ready we were, and how anxious to hold him in my arms and not in my belly!

And of course, all of that is so different now, and my life looks nothing like it did this time last year. We miscarried over the summer, and felt the hurt of loss all over again, and also felt the uncertainty of everything in life. We are actively pursuing having other children through fertility methods and that is even more uncertainty and again, such a different place than where we were a year ago.

Above all, I just had to write again to keep my connection to my baby boy. He was a gift to us and he continues to teach me about the shortness of life, the briefness of it all, and I hope, what really matters.

Mother's Day & Memorial Day

Mother's Day turned out to be one of the most difficult days I have had since Ethan's death. To try to celebrate being a mother without my child ripped my heart open. It was as if all the time that has passed never happened - it was all so fresh and wrenching. I sobbed and sobbed. I think that when something like this happens, your heart and mind cannot truly comprehend it all, and so it continues to settle in over time. To protect you, your body cares for you by not allowing the fullness of the situation to set in. As the end of school was nearing, and as my body became aware that I would have the time, energy, and mental reserves to deal with my son's death, it came on me again like giant waves ~ smashing and crushing the shore. It was an awful day, but I think too it was a healing day. A day to embrace all that losing Ethan means.
Since then, we had a dedication of Ethan's garden. Our pastor, Matt, spoke about how over the centuries all people have done things to remember their loved ones; and how fitting it was that we remember Ethan on Memorial Day. Reed & I shared our thanks to all those who helped us in our garden and also our deep prayer for a second child. My sister-in-law, Stephanie, sang for us "In the Storm" by Casting Crowns. We prayed together and were encouraged by thoughts shared by our family and friends. It was another milestone in our journey as it was probably our last public event that would mark Ethan's life and death. It has been hard for us to continually work in the yard every weekend, after work, etc., but it also gave us a purpose. Being finished with it is just another reminder that Ethan's life is getting farther from us.
In the last several weeks, the greatest revelation I have had is that God does want us to have other children. We have gone back and forth about whether Ethan's death was from God or from the devil (I know that sounds over the top, but there are only two forces at work in this world). Reed and I have finally come to believe that Ethan's death was from the devil. Of course, we know that God is the author of life and the He allowed it to happen, but we don't believe that it was His plan for Ethan's life, or for ours. I think that the devil wants to discourage us and make us feel that this is all we will ever experience - deep disappointment and incredible loss. I have chosen instead to believe in God's love, His provision, and His grace. Therefore, I must also believe that in His plan for us there are brothers and sisters for Ethan, regardless of what doctors say, and regardless of my own faltering faith. We continue to embrace Ethan's memory, cry for him, miss him, and also pray daily for the day when we will give him a sibling. We long for the day that we will be blessed with the heritage of children like the Bible promises.

Easter

Easter is a day to celebrate the ressurection of Christ. And this year it means so much more to me than it ever has before. I am not only grateful that Christ rose from the dead, and what that means about forgiveness, but I am forever grateful for the chance that gives me to see Ethan again someday. We went to the cemetery on Easter Sunday and watered Ethan's tree. It is always so very difficult for me to visit the place where we left his earthly body. I hate to think of him there, alone and under the earth. So small, so precious, so vulnerable. I know that he is not really there and that is the only comfort I have. It's weird though, the pull to go and visit that place. I felt so bad for so long when we didn't have his headstone, when it was so empty there. It's better now with the tree being there, just knowing that Reed and I used our own hands to leave something there with him. We even took dirt from the memorial area in the backyard to use at the cemetery, and likewise brought the cemetery dirt home and placed that in his garden here. I know that seems totally bizarre, but it somehow makes me feel like a part of us is with him, and a part of him is with us.

I have thought a lot about whether it's true or not that we will really see Ethan in heaven, or if that is some nice fairytale thing we tell people when someone dies. I really wanted the truth about that. I finally believe that it's true, really true, not just what I want to hear and I long for the day when we will be reunited. Which shows me that I really have learned something. Heaven has never been so real to me as it is now.

The other thing that has been on my mind a lot are the questions. For so long I was stuck on the why's. I can't say I am totally over that, but it is a lot better. Now I have a new question - when? When will we have another baby, if ever? When will I see Ethan again? When will it not hurt so much? When will I have peace about all of this? When? When? When? And I have come to know a great truth. If I TRULY believed in God's love, His eternal goodness, that He had nothing but pure intentions towards me, nothing but my best interests in mind, I would not have to ask when? or why? or any other question. I would be able to rest completely in the knowledge of His love and not be concerned anymore. But the real dilemma is that we trusted God with Ethan and since He took him away it makes us feel that God's goodness SHOULD be questioned - that's the lie. The lie is that God is good only when we get good things. I think I am beginning to understand.

Pictures of Ethan's Room

We wanted to share some pictures of Ethan's room with everyone, so here they are:

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday, it would also be Ethan's half-birthday. He would have been 6 months old today. Teaching at a Christian school gives me the opportunity to really embrace the Christian calendar, and I learned something today that I never knew before. I didn't know that Ash Wednesday was the reminder, before we enter into the Easter holiday, that the reason Christ came, lived, died and rose again was to free us from our sins, we are dead to our sins if we trust in Him. The ashes represent the death of our sin and the new life in Him. How appropriate that of all days, today, March 1, I had the reminder that in Christ all things that have died will be made new again. I thought about Ethan all day today, and I thought about what it means to die and to have my life be ashes, only to have Christ give it to me new again. That is my greatest hope. I need the comfort that the death we experienced 6 months ago today will somehow bring new life to us. It is so hard to think of Ethan's little body as ashes, but I know that it was just a vessel, that he is safe and whole. I still hurt for the want of him, ache for the confusion of our situation, but also today have hope for the ashes that were wiped on my forehead. A reminder of death and new life all at the same time.

Better...

It is great that life keeps moving, day to night and night to day. What seems overwhelming and unbearable will always slowly fade. That is where I am at today. God has given me a second wind somewhere between last night and this morning and things are looking up for no reason whatsoever. I know people are praying for us, and as always we are so grateful.
A few things I have decided in the last week or so are that it's ok to feel however I feel. I don't have to have all the answers, I don't have to be ok with what happened, and I don't always have to have the right words, or say the nice things. I also know in my heart that I do have courage, that I do have an inner strength, that in my last entry I was not only denying what God might do, but also who I am. I have decided that I will survive this as I have survived many other things. We all do in the end. And that is what I will do as well. And somehow those two things - knowing I can just feel what I feel and being sure of my own courage has given me a new breath in my lungs.
With hope...again :)

Random Thoughts...

Our Christmas holiday was very difficult, but also good to share our tears with family and friends. We talked about Ethan a lot and missed him very much. I was really looking forward to the new year, thinking that the changing of the date would cause a change in me, and I was disappointed to find that 2006 has not made a change in me. I guess I was hoping that a new year meant new hope, and it hasn't turned out that way. Instead I feel farther from Ethan, farther from his life, farther from his birth, and even farther from his death. I guess that part is good, but it makes it hurt more. We finally received his headstone, and will have it set soon. Reed and I are both glad to finally have it done, and we will update the website with a photo after it is placed in the cemetery.
I am trying to be positive and hopeful, to find a purpose in all of this. One of the things I have done is emailed Oprah to ask her to do a show on stillbirth. Please consider writing to her to tell her about Ethan, or anyone else you might know who has suffered the loss of their child. My hope is that in spotlighting it, maybe someone will take up the cause of researching stillbirth and helping to lower the statistics.
To tell you the truth though, I am not very hopeful. I feel overwhelmed and like I have nowhere to turn. It feels to me that God has been silent and that having hope or wanting something different will only hurt more. I feel at the end of my strength. I have been asking God to give me peace and to help me trust in His goodness and in His love, but I can't feel it. I know after having been a Christian all my life that the road is not about our feelings. I understand that. But when this is what you feel, and it isn't changing, and you aren't asking for miracles, or a second baby, or anything more than just peace and purpose and He is still silent - what then?
I would like to say that I have found courage, an inner strength, a peace, something to offer you, but I would be lying. I have found an inner ache, a loneliness, an all-pervasive pain. I am just waiting for something new, for hope, for purpose. Even as I write this, I feel like I really must be feeling sorry for myself to even put these thoughts down, and I am thinking I should just delete the whole thing. But for those who want to know how we are doing, and maybe for my own soul ache, I need to get it out.
I don't know where to go from here. I did the hoping and the praying and the crying and the hurting and the truth and there is nothing left. I wish there was something else to say, but today in this moment, there is not.

Ethan's Picture

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This picture was edited by a good friend of our's, Laura Larson, Thank You Laura!

The Holidays

Many of you have let us know that it helps to find out our thoughts, so I thought I would take a moment and share some things.
We knew the holidays would be difficult, but for me they are more difficult than I had anticipated. My heart hurts so much to be celebrating without Ethan. We had so many family plans and our hearts were full with the thought of bringing our little boy to his first Thanksgiving and his first Christmas with grandpa's and grandma's, aunts, uncles, and cousins. As we drove to our Thanksgiving destination, the tears fell as I wished so desperately that I might turn around and see Ethan in his car seat, ready to share him with our extended family. I know that Christmas will be more difficult, and I am dreading it.
Reed and I still have lots to be thankful for, and we know that. We are grateful for our family, our wonderful friends, our health, jobs, home, etc. But we also hurt so much, and are anxious for this year to be over.
I still struggle with why? I know that at some level it doesn't even matter why, because he would still be gone, but it enters my mind daily nonetheless. I also struggle with how to move forward. I feel that the light has gone from my eyes, that even in the happy moments, there is a deep well of sadness that is reflected there. I guess it is true that your eyes are the windows to your soul.

Thank you again for your love and prayers...we need it so much.
Hoping with all of our hearts that 2006 will be a much different year for us...
Tami & Reed

Lately...

We have had a bit of a rough week this week. Halloween was very difficult because we had purchased a little outfit that said "Baby's 1st Halloween" - it is really cute. We spent some time in Ethan's room and held his little outfit - it was a sad day. I cried a lot, and wished so desperately that things were different.
I realized that some of you were never told why Ethan died. We have received all of the test results, and the dr. cannot find a reason. That is good because if we are able to have other children, the statistics show that it probably won't happen again, but of course for us it is so difficult to know nothing was wrong as we feel that Ethan died for no reason.
Each day that goes by does take us further from that agonizing moment when we heard, "There is no heartbeat"...but being further from it also means being further from his life inside, and the hopes and dreams...
As always, thank you for your prayers....
Tami & Reed

Infant Loss Remembrance Day

We just wanted to let everyone know that today, October 15, is the National Infant Loss Remembrance Day. You can visit the official website at http://www.october15th.com/. Sadly, we have found that little research is done on stillbirth even though it takes significantly more babies from their families than does SIDS. There is a website dedicated to stillbirth research that our sisters, Romy and Mia, found at http://www.missingangel.org/. Perhaps through Ethan's death, we will all be more aware, compassionate, and able to support others who have lost their babies, and find some answers for the awful trauma of stillbirth.

Reed and I continue to lean on each other and all of you. As the days go by, some things have become easier, and some things more difficult. We are both back at work full time, and are moving forward. You can continue to pray for us, we need it, and we know that we would not be able to get through this without it.

We hope that you have enjoyed seeing Ethan's sweet face, it was hard to share at first because he is bruised, and that broke our hearts. But we really wanted our friends and family to see him, and to know how precious he was to us. We love you all very much, and continue to feel blessed despite our circumstances. We know that God is good and faithful even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes. We are praying that we will trust Him more, and always believe in His goodness and His love for us and for Ethan.

We love you ~ Tami & Reed

Ethan Michael - September 1, 2005

Ethan & Us

We just wanted to let everyone know how we are doing. Reed is trying to get back to work, and to return to some sort of normalcy. I am attempting to do the same. I am not back at work yet, but am trying to do things around the house, run errands, etc.
Today we visited Ethan's grave, that was very difficult but also gave us a real sense of finality. It is easy to sit in his room, and believe that he will still sleep there someday. Some days are much more difficult than others, and I still cry everyday. I hope that is good.
We just want to thank you again for your love and support. We continue to miss Ethan desperately, and long for him to be here with us. (He would be 3 weeks old in two more days.) We wish that all of our family and friends could see him, hold him, and share in our joy of him. Someday...
Love you - Tami & Reed

An Update from Us

Reed and I just wanted to let you know that we check the website everyday. It means so much to us that people are thinking about us and praying for us. What touches us the most is that people really loved Ethan. We are doing our best to get through without him. We sure miss him, and rarely get through the day without tears. Sometimes we are angry, and sometimes we are just sad and lonely even though we know we are loved, mostly we are quiet.

We are still trying to come to grips with the reality of our lives now. We were so prepared to be parents, so ready to have Ethan sleep in his crib, wake up with him at night, hold him and just love him. It is hard not to wonder why God would allow this terrible thing to happen to Ethan and to us. We also wonder why God would allow such pain.

We know that you are wondering how we are, we have gotten so many calls, cards and notes. Even though we are not ready to respond individually to everyone, we sincerely appreciate and need all the encouragement. We definitely could not get through this without each other and you.

Thank you... Lots of love - Tami & Reed

Sunday, September 4, 2005

I wanted to post yesterday and let everyone know what a beautiful and touching service it was, but I couldn't get myself to sit down and do it. I want to share the words from Reed and Tami that they gave to us yesterday:

Dearest Ethan,

Your Daddy and I love you so much. Daddy was looking forward to playing baseball with you and teaching you everything he knows. He even was excited to change your diapers ~ that is true love. Daddy wanted to wrestle and play with you. He was going to be the best daddy in the whole world.

I wanted to hold you, and kiss you, and nurse you, and rock you to sleep. I wanted to teach you to always be kind, and to love Jesus. I wanted to watch you grow into the man that God wanted you to be.

Our hearts are so empty without you. we wish you were here with us, but we know that Jesus is holding you, and we can't wait to see you again. We miss you every minute

All our love,
Mommy and Daddy

Reed and Tami also had these words for their family and friends:

To our Family and Friends,

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for being so amazing during this most difficult time. We did not realize how truly loved and blessed we were until this moment. Words are not enough to let you know how grateful we are.

Reed and I are both so comforted and feel a peace having had your love, prayers and support.

Losing Ethan has been the most terrible thing for us. We loved him so much and knew that he was a miracle given to us by God. We miss him terribly. But by God's grace and through the arms reaching out to us, we trust in God's sovereignty.

Ethan's name means "steadfast in truth", and his verse is Romans 8:28. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." We cling to that truth.

All our love and thanks,
Reed and Tami

I personally want to thank the congregation of River Pointe Church (http://www.riverpointe.org/). It has been very evident that you are more than just a group of people worshiping once a week in the same building. Your love for the entire Hartzog/DeVries/McDougle family during this time has been amazing, and a true testament to how God calls us to live in community with one another. I want to extend a special thanks to Pastors Dave Davis and Matt Barnhill for their message yesterday as well as all they did at the hospital and prepration leading up to the service, Mac Rorie for sharing the voice and musical talent God has blessed him with, and Anne Beecroft for her hours spent along side the family in the waiting room at the hospital. I am sure that I can safely say thank you for all three families.

-Ryan Hartzog

Two Trees for Ethan

The cemetary has given us permission to plant a tree next to Ethan's grave marker, so we are going to be using the money we raise for two trees instead of one. We will plant one by the graveside and one in Reed and Tami's yard.

The one thing that comes to mind when I think about planting the tree next to Ethan's grave is that it would be a symbol of God's protection for Ethan. Just as He would have watched over him here on earth had it been in God's plan for Ethan to have a long life here, He is now watching him in heaven just the same. I also think of the way that a parent watches over their child, and how that tree can be there by Ethan's side even in times where Reed and Tami can't be. Their hearts and thoughts will always be with him.

Again, the link to make a donation can be found below, or on the right side of the main page.

Funeral Arrangements

The funeral arrangements have been finalized. There will be a grave side service at 10:00 a.m. on Saturday September 3rd at Morton Cemetary. The cemetary is located at 401 North 3rd Street in Richmond, Texas. You may find a map to the cemetary here. All friends and family are invited to the service.

Ethan Michael Hartzog

I am having a hard time thinking of what to put here. There are so many emotions running through me right now that it is difficult to know what to say. The purpose of this site is to take donations to purchase a tree in order to commemorate the life of Ethan Michael Hartzog. Yesterday, August 31st, 2005, Ethan Michael was taken from our family way too soon. Please pray for our entire family as we mourn this loss, but especially for Reed and Tami as they try and make it through this most difficult time. No parent should have to outlive their child, and I can only imagine the pain that they are in.

If you would like to leave a comment here you may do so below, or you may email Reed at reedvh@sbcglobal.net and Tami at tamijh@sbcglobal.net. Please understand that they are going through a time of crisis right now and the response will be slow if ever, but your prayers, well wishes and condolences are appreciated by the entire family.

Reed and Tami have asked that instead of flowers, a donation be made in order to purchase a tree to be planted in their yard. This tree will be an ever present reminder of the angel we never got to meet. All proceeds will go towards this express purpose and nothing else. You may make a donation by clicking on the button below or on the right side of the home page. Thank you.

If you have any questions or comments about this site, or the use of the funds please feel free to contact me at rhartzog@gmail.com.